Posts Tagged ‘myspace’

Angels cry because of this.

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

Hey thanks for the add. I am getting close to the major record deal I just need to reach 1million plays &20,000 friends. Please show your support by adding me to ur Tops and refering me to your friends to reach that goal.

But of course you filthy trollop of a consumer Pop/R&B Beyonce rip-off of a waste of genetics, I’d be happy to spread the word about how great your fucking miserable excuse of musical endeavours are, and I can reassure you, that I absolutely believe that fucking record companies base their record deals on the number of Myspace friends bands have, and on how many times their “music” has been played, and not on how hot the singer looks on the cover of “Playboy”.

Her first “song” is Voodo, which starts sounding like early 80’s electronic music, and then goes into a twisting decent towards the very pits of human misery.

Also know as Dorset.

Why the hell is it a good thing to sing in a disjointed manner that has absolutely nothing to do with the actual melody? Or the music? Or anything remotely pertaining to logic and reason.

And her voice is run through enough computers to put Microsoft BOB to shame, I’ll bet my entire professional non-existence.

It’s just so generic and crap, and fucking hate R&B, almost as much as I fucking hate rap, and this is MTV R&B like nothing you’ve heard a billion times already.

“Baby (Far Away)” actually covers me feelings very well, I wish I was fucking far away, somewhere around Saturn, drowning in a sulphur eruption on Io.

It just so awful, her voice sounds like fucking shit, the lyrics are boring shit about her singing about her abusive arsehole of a boyfriend, who’s undoubted made of muscles and nothing else.

And like always, the melody is the same fucking thing all the way through, and the choir is present and annoying through the whole fucking thing.

“Break your fall” tricks me by sounding like a Spice Girls song, and then I realize, it is a Spice Girls song, it shifts completely away from the noisy bullshit R&B and into generic pop territory.

And yet, you can still here the post-modernist disorganized noise of the R&B territory, like the “Ahahnanana” sounds that so prevail that realm of hell.

It’s just a really shitty Spice Girls rip off, and Spice Girls where fucking horrible.

I hate the “song” “Storm” before this idiot have even opened her mouth, I hate it like I hate small woodland animals.

It’s not fucking music, music requires that the actual fucking melody have something to do with the rest of the fucking song, rather than just being some bullshit beat that annoys me in the background.

And what the fuck is up with all that voice works they’ve done? Does her voice sound that bad?

angelfaceNOT

I can already see the “Softcore” images out there, in the aether. Just awful, don’t buy it, don’t give her a record deal, don’t encourage her.

She sucks.

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A New Bewilderingly named Danish Band

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

Well, this is without doubt the most peculiar little band that could, I’ve encountered this month.

It’s The Asteroids Galaxy Tour, spawned from the same abyssal pit that spawned Aqua, Ragnarokz.net and blasphemous cartoons, It’s Denmark everyone!

The first song they have on their Myspace is called “The Golden Age”, and is actually genuinely good, apparently the Statement of this band, or Artisan Commune, Or Pretentious Bullshit Collective, is Retro.

And “Golden Age” is absolutely without a doubt retro, but fuck if I can figure out just how retro it is, or where it’s time travel destination is, the deliberate sound overlay that makes it sound like it comes from the late forties are really the only clue I can find.

Afraid I’m not a musical historian.

“The Sun Ain’t Shining No More” sounds like it’s coming from an “Austin Powers” movie, so the sixties it is. It’s actually pretty good, the lead singer does have an unusual voice, mostly because it’s actually her voice and not the voice of a talentless American hack transformed through a synthesizers to sound like Microsoft BOB.

It’s lyrics are fairly good, and it’s actually music, and not just noise and some twit talking with an odd rhythm, fucking R’n’B.

“Around the bend” is yet another retro song, which, in case your thicker than eighteen billion kilometres of lard, is the fucking gimmick on the band.

It’s well executed, well written and genuinely good, I actually like this one a fair bit, it has a decent rhythm in it, a bit to repetitive, but that’s unfortunately a norm in these days.

“Hero” gets on my bad side, mostly because I really fucking hate the old genre they’ve decided to conjure up, through ritualized sacrifice to Odin, from the depths of time.

It’s also a sample, luck I just happen to have the CD eh? It’s a slow, easy-going song, it bores me to tears, but I can imagine that some people would enjoy it.

Either because all fashion goes in a never-ending circle, or because you where young when this crap was “in the in”.

“Bad Fever” has a familiar sound, late eighties, early nineties? Probably, makes me feel fucking old as hell.

Could be the sixties again for all I know, as I’ve already pointed out, fashion often recycles old crap, because people have really bad memories.

Myspace has delivered all it could, let’s look at the CD I’ve gotten my hand on.

The first track is “Lady Jesus”, and holy fuck on my hat on fire, I fucking loath it from the deep dark burning core of my foul soul.

Feels good to know, that I’m not growing soft. Unfortunately the “Acid” style rarely works very well, it’s simply to fucking noise to enjoy any of it’s elements.

The Third track, seeing as a simply skip the ones they have to their Myspace, “Push the envelope” suffers from the same problem as the first one, it’s style is simply shit, hateful shit even.

“Satellite” sounds like the Beatles.

I don’t like the Beatles.

“Crazy”, I haven’t got a clue. It’s not bad, not to good either, but compared to most of the crap there’s out there, it’s as pure as the Golden Tears of Freya.

“Sunshine cooling” is pretty good, kinda a good song for a hot summer day, young people dancing on some open scene in some little park.

And that’s it. If you like the songs you heard on the Myspace, it’s probably worth it picking up the physical or eletronic CD/Whatever the fuck you call it when you buy it on Itunes you filthy consumerist whore.

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Oh dear me, why?

Friday, September 25th, 2009

Rose from the asheS send me a message that’s ultimately useless and insignificant. But dear merciless Shiva, how the hell did this band, and I use this as loose as I can, ever come to be?

“Plastic Girl” is the first one to come up, come up and hit my in the back of my head, with a sledgehammer, made of poisonous magma.

I’d be able to describe the sheer suffering of actually listening to this piece of abysmal shit, if I was standing on a cliff in a violent storm, screaming my pain towards the unmerciful gods of the Dark Reaches of the Voids.

“Living in this Nightmare” has the single most fitting name in the history of all mankind. How the hell? WHY? PLEASE DEAR DARKNESS TELL ME WHY? WHY DOES THIS EXIST? WHYYYYYYYY?

It’s so fucking awful, the instruments are played by drunk monkeys in the process of being raped by the undying corps of Genghis Kahn and the singer sounds like Celine Dione being thrown into a large blender.

“Never coming home” is what would happen to me, if I hadn’t been home when I wrote this, I’d probably have killed myself somewhere outside my home.

Fortunately, thanks to Rose form the morons, I can commit honourable Suicide right here, the comfort of my own room, my own house, my sanctuary.

“Better of Alone”, sounds like a football riots, where all the participants are a lovely mix of Vikings, Genghis Kahn’s Hordes and the entire population of the state of Kentucky.

They couldn’t even agree for a fucking theme for this one, it goes from Viking death metal into whiny emo goth rock and then into the bowels of Municipal Chemistry Reclamation in Nyborg, Denmark to produce something that could be used as a very primitive form for torture.

And it can’t even be redeemed by decent music, for the music sucks just as bad as the awfully high-pitched “singer”.

“All my loving”, a cover of a Beatles song, made by the single most imcompetent crap band I have ever had the misfortune of listening to, the Greatest Band in history (Beatles) brought so far down by the worst (Rises from Idiots).

It just so fucking awful, that whoever murders the guitar, actually drowns out the horrible singer, how nice of him.

To bad he can’t fucking play for shit.

Event he chorus sucks, they can’t hold a freaking tone worth shit. How the hell did these idiots ever get it into their thick moronic heads that they are worth anything?

THIS IS MUSIC, NOT THAT CRAP:

“Better days” isn’t one of my better days, as a matter of a fact, this is rapidly going to be an absolutely horrible day.

Because it sucks, if only the singer could sing, the guitarist play and everyone was competent and interesting, this could be redeemed.

And why the hell do they keep switching between whiny voice and Viking voice?

“Wounded Angel” starts with a fine example of the guitarist being horrible with these occasional little sounds that sounds like he’s stepping on mice, I think they might be on purpose, so I shall now wish for Damnation to his entire bloodline for nine generations.

The lyrics are pretty fucking stupid too.

“I can’t remember when” is just awful right from the start. It fits into around fifity-six trillion stereotypes and generic things within seventy nanoseconds.

It’s amazing really.

So much awful music, in such a small band. It’s fucking bewildering, who told these idiots they where worthy of anything but scorn and stigmatization?

Do us all a favour and die in an Ocean of fucking Misery!

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And now for something slightly different.

Friday, July 24th, 2009

We defeated the Jedi Knights just ain’t the same as the rest of the riff-raff.

First, I know one of the guys in the band, some blond fellow from work.

Second, this isn’t some overwhelmingly retarded hip-hopper, RnB maniac or rap “artist”. It’s just mellow pop. Almost refreshing to get the most generic kind of music for once.

They have THREE pieces of musical product available on their myspace, and I hardly would be a bastard, if I didn’t treat it the same way I treat everything and everyone else.

Like retarded chipmunks.

They’ve actually gone and made an “intro” composition. Which is technically competent I suppose, properly recorded too.

And I really wish I didn’t have to shelf out imaginary points for proper recording software and equipment. It’s a bit repetitive, but it’s otherwise remarkably competent. Good, but not amazing. The drummer must be falling asleep during it though, poor bastard.

And the first actual song “Thief of my Heart” has absolutely nothing to do with the style present in the intro. That’s a good thing.

Here comes the first problem, whoever the hell’s singing. Good Lady man, you don’t sound like that, that stupid overlay makes it sound like a old school radio. It’s like listening to an AM station, from Mongolia, in a snowstorm.

The song is otherwise good, the part where the lyrics go all “Sound like a loudspeaker” is absolutely perfect. And whoever the singer is, stop fucking singing like that, it fucking sucks.

It’s fairly generic, bordering on the “emo” sound, which, let me reassure you, is under no circumstances a good thing, it’s a fucking awful thing.

I have no doubt it could be successful, for five minutes, among retards.

Love the organ sound at the end.

“The Swallowing Norm”.

Hey, the singer sounds like a human now, instead of a Red Hot Chilli Peppers rip-off, progress! I like it.

In order to better review this one, as it proves progress, I’ve decided to listen at a slightly better sound.

The music is good. The singer, if he maintains the style I hear here, become good, thus more than simply decent.

At least you can actually sing, and you even do sing. A large improvement to most of the idiots I have the misfortune of listening too. Listening to this higher quality does help a fair bit, well done.

Ultimately, I’d call this song: A song, actual music, above average.

Also, apparently the “intro” is called “Intrapersonal”, which isn’t a word. Points of for being Pretentious.

I’d go so far to describe “We defeated the Jedi Knights” as decent. Although they will get into problems with George “Franchisecide” Lucas.

Well done Azur, well done indeed.

Just stop trying to sound like everyone else, and who knows, you might be remembered as more than just another generic band.

And you’re not fucking rock.

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I’m a Nickelback fan?

Monday, July 6th, 2009

Dearest “Jay” send me this utterly preposterous message:

Hey there fellow Nickelback fan. Just wanted to take a moment and introduce you to Carly Smithson. If you haven’t heard of her, you most likely will. She’s a rock singer. Check out her page and add her to your friends to keep up with the latest news. And while you’re at it check out her new band We Are The Fallen. Thanks and have a great day.

http://www.myspace.com/carlysmithson
http://www.myspace.com/wearethefallen

I have no fucking clue why this idiot thinks I’m a Nickelback fan. Wait, yes I do. He simply sent out billions of stupid messages about some random band and hoped that Nickelback fans would be around.

To bad he sent one of his spam crap to an angry Danish bloke who just happens to like Queen, Tchaikovsky and Vangelis.

For those, like me, who are unfamiliar with Nickelback, they are basically a band who can be encapsulated in two words: “Whiny rock”.

Cry me a fucking river. Boring crap song.

Well, it’s kinda odd to actually review an actual band and not just some random MySpace scrub. To bad they suck to such a degree only utter infantile morons would ever listen to it seriously.

Pretty sure the song is about sex, always had a problem with these kinda songs, fucking impossible to understand a fucking word.

But alas, I’m getting away from the core of the stupid message.

Jay wanted me to:

a) Visit the Myspace designed by a moron: Carly Smithson.

So for the first time I’ll have to review a fucking website, thanks a lot “Jay”.

So let’s party: The site doesn’t fit in anyway in Mozilla Firefox, which is both retarded and lazy. There’s a giant picture of “Carly”, trying to look alluring and sexy, to bad she looks like she’s high on something, possibly glue.

For some reason the “details” area is shoved to the right, which is odd, leaves a GIANT fucking hole in the site. Possibly caused by aforementioned lazy programming.

Her comments section is pretty out of whack too. Also full of stupid idiots, she’s been in some idol competition apparently? You Yanks must be pretty far out, we usually ignore these idiots after they’ve won/lost.

Because the suck.

But enough about her poorly made myspace, on to the next deal.

b) Visit We are the Fallen‘s myspace.

It retains it’s ugly default standard, with a fancy colour scheme, and by fancy, I mean similar to Hitler’s Brutalist architecture.

They do however have a single lone song lieing around for our listening pleasure. Oh joy of joys. Let’s listen to that trainwreck.

“Bury me alive” is the only song they’ve got available for them, and I’m not even going to download whatever else these idiots have made.

It’s fucking Evanescence and Nightwish and whatever the fuck else those fucks are called.

It’s noisy, the instruments have a tendency to blend each other out, and every time the singer sings, it goes quiet, presumable so we can hear her “sing”.

She can sing, but she can’t sing.

All in all, I am not a Nickelback fan.

And fuck anyone who thinks so.

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Sierra Leone should be ashamed of itself.

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Blakka-P send me a Telegraphic letter of idiocy through the Post-Modern Expressionism website that is Myspace.com.

Whats up my friend? Im an aspiring artist from Sierra Leone with a lot of interesting songs, If you dont mind, please come check out my page and give me a listen. Leave a comment if you like what you hear. Thanks!! Stay safe

Honor
Blakka P

He gets a single lonely point for being polite.

“Superior” is the first song. I has no interest, and the music sounds like it’s being played by a drunk German with spears through his ears.

It’s fucking awful. I have no clue what the hell he’s singing, I can hear some occasional English words, but ultimately, it’s like listening to a burning car wreck on Croatian.

“Look Good”apparently only features him, which leads me this theorem:

“Any song that Blakka P appears in automatically becomes a giant noisy mess, and loses the priviledge of being called “Music””.

He also quotes Pac-Man with the occasional “Wakka wakka wakka”.

“African Girl” which also features him, cements my Theorem further, with being a giant mess of noises. It has literally no structure at all.

“Conversation” is about talking.

I’m not fucking kidding, it’s a fucking song about talking with other people and how it makes him “creative”.

Yes, creative in a genre which doesn’t do anything but puke out more shit about “hoes” and “gardening tools”.

“Blakka”.

Wow. Good Lord of the Dark Shores, why? Why did you do this you fucking moron? This song is simply awful, not only do you talk some utter incomprehensible dialect, you talk so fast noone sane would ever be able to get any of it.

Awful, simply awful.

“Invisible girl” actually has a poorly played Guitar in it.

And a Chorus, which sucks.

The most advance song so far, and yet it’s all wrong.

The recording quality is awful. The lyrics sounds like something SETI received. The chorus sounds like ten billion morons howling and the Guitar is played by a tone-deaf dead man.

“The Deal” is about Blakka’s utter disregard for Business Management. And actually complains about how apparently he’s having an easy time getting a contract.

Impressively small ego there Mr. Sierra Leone.

“Take it away”, yes, please take it away, far away.

Preferable out somewhere around Jupiter, on fire.

“Not a Badman” is just as awful as the rest. It has no structure and simply noise.

The Lyrics are utterly absurd, where the sentence “I’m no badman” actually pops up.

No badman?

Why don’t I ever hear any fucking rap where you actually use REAL FUCKING ENGLISH? Instead of your stupid bullshit dialects and slang. Who the fuck cares about your stupid skin colour.

SING COMPREHENSIBLE!

And for fucks sake, try to avoid using lyrics that look like something a twelve year old wrote.

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I hate it when this happens.

Saturday, March 14th, 2009

I was planing to dump this one with the idiot below, but these guys deserve better:

Drop Electric is actual something fairly new, not rap, but Electronica/Live Electronics/Trip Hop. And even odder, their first song is actually fairly decent.

“The Leftist” has a fairly good electronic sound, none of all that odd soundwerk you usually hear from Electronica, where the artist thinks listening pleasure is a town in Mongolia.

Only problem is the presence of the singer, who I can’t understand a word of, mostly because she’s mumbling half the time, and just going “aaaahhh ohhhh” the other half.

Oh wait, I can almost understand her when the electronic overlay turns her voice into the voice of a cooler C3PO.

Also, not a sample, Bonus Points.

“Sky Red” is a bit faster, but still quite good. Oddly enough, I can actually understand and hear the singer now. A fairly pleasant voice.

This is actually a pleasant surprise, I usually only review crap rap shit. Not decent music.

A bit on the repetitive side though, which they then fix by changing style in the latter part of the song, where the shift to something almost folksong and yet totally fucking awesome.

Not a fucking sample but full-length and good. Fucking well played.

“RU50” has a pretentious name, good, gotta have something to get angry at. Which is fitting, cause it sucks and is fairly broken, so let’s pretend it doesn’t exist, YOU HEAR ME?

“Fierce Urgency of Now” has a different beat, but Myspace has broken it.

To bad.

Still, a refreshing experience Electric Bungalow, well done.

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My nipples imploded with delight.

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

Gabriel Bautista, henceforward referred to as “Convicted by the ICC”, send me a messages through the tubes, about his recent musical endeavours, who due to my sarcastic nature, I presume is absolute shit.

According to his awful Myspace site, his genre is “Hip Hop/R&B/Pop”, which is basically the Auschwitz of music, nothing good ever came from it, and everything that was good, has been killed off ages ago.

He has, of course, left us poor unenlightened peasants some of his “work” to listen to, and by listen, I mean vomit over.

His first attempt is called “Royalty”, which has two things going for it, It’s short, and has no singing, lucky fucking us.

“Body Heat” is the same thing, except it sounds like it was written for the Rap remake of Commander Keen.

The trend continues in “Bounce”, I’m starting to think that these are all just samples for us poor working class peons to marvel at, not sure how that works for him.

Probably not all that well, and by “not all that well”, I mean, I fucking hope nothing is happening concerning his crap.

“Fly with me” is about as original as burnt toast with cheese on it, sounds like something Vangelis would make, if he was HIGH AND BRAINDEAD!

“Gangsta Wave”, oh dear Eris, why? Seriously, who the fuck things the word “Gangsta” is cool anyway? I know it’s just a retarded slang word for “gangster”, but who the fuck are you kidding?

“Few’cha Fresh” beats the standing record of making no sense at all, pretty sure it’s something about how few are fresh, BUT I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO TELL, AS IT’S JUST A FUCKING SAMPLE!

Gabriel, why the fuck am I listening to samples without lyrics? Fuck off back to whatever pit spawned you.

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What the hell Heavy rock?

Monday, November 24th, 2008

What the hell happened to you Heavy Rock genre? When did the “let’s do what all the other successful bands do” thing happened?

Oh sure, in Ye Olden Days, you where just angry Scandinavians and Dutch screaming into microphones pretend you where actually singing.

But dammit, you did it with fucking style and it’s glorious beyond imagination. Amon Amarth is a fine example of how it used to be, honest to Odin noise and anger. Just the way your distant ancestors would have wanted it.

To bad we had to stop the whole “invade everyone” else thing we had, eh lads?

Now, up comes along Nightwish, or some other band, I can’t be fucking bothered to actually research which obscure band did what first, Nightwish will serve quite well as an example of the pox.

Delightful isn’t it? As delightful as hornets down your underwear. Which is actually fairly delightful, if you are watching from some distance.

Look at them! It’s tame, boring and rips of Meatloaf’s symphony-rock sound. I’ll give them point for not sexualising the female lead. That’s always something.

To bad she’s so “goth” that she almost speaks German, most of their other music videos is her in a fucking dress, a dress! What lunatic still wears dresses, outside weddings and funerals, wear some fucking pants.

Of course, there are worse creatures than Nightwish out there, on the Ocean of Corruption that is Our Internet.

Let’s take an example, I only recently dug out of Myspace: Into The Woods.

I would like to point out, that due to some oddball attempt at localizing the link to their “myspace” account, the link goes: intothewoodsuk.

Foreboding, thy name has been called.

Eyes Wide Shut takes a piss on Stanley Kubrick, and then procedes to dig him up and rape the corpse.

Not only did they rip off the name of his last movie. It’s also downright horrible, I’ll try to point out all the mistakes.

There is no consistency in the song, it goes from full-on Heavy Rock to something out of Nightwish or Celtic folk music.

Apparently “progressive” means, full of shit.

The Eclipse, is just generic. It even has the good old “lead singer just making vaguely musical noises” that everyone and their dog uses.

Breaking Silencesure breaks with the standard that the rest of them made, when it comes to the intro part.

The Lead Singer is actually fairly decent, it’s just to bad most of their music isn’t progressive at all. It’s bland.

Progressive is the new mainstream I guess.

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Jacqueline Stem.

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

Jacqueline Stem didn’t contact me, I randomly stumbled upon here sailing the High Seas of electrons.

Just before I actually start chucking away about her songs, let me point out that her myspace does NOT require the combined processing power of small African countries, unlike pretty much everyone else I’ve ever reviewed.

Well done.

“Streams of Conciousness” is the first song she’s made available on her myspace, she is as she advertises, her voice, a guitar.

The only real problem I have is that I have absolutely no fucking clue what the hell she’s actually singing, as a European, I often find myself unable to understand some American accents, quite odd.

“Anything but ourselves”, starts out slowly. Unlike the first song, I can understand her quite clearly, odd, but I’m not complaining.

I’m actually enjoying this one much more than it’s predecessor. No clue what she’s singing about though.

“Bury my feet”. The first thing I notice is the weird title of the song. Pretty sure the song’s all about love and what do you care.

Unlike most of the freaks I’ve reviewed, this one can actually sing, the sound quality isn’t the best when she hits some of the higher tones, probably an encoding problem.

“Game”.

Ben Nevis. Only thing this one has is a slightly different intro.

“Rodrigo plays the keys”, shit girl, your titles makes less and less sense as time passes. It’s still fairly decent, unfortunately my preferences is for music with a bit more noise.

“All the dance you do”, starts out like the rest, soft and quite.

“Walking in Circles”

Come on, not that tired all cliché, must be bloody billions of songs with those exact words, try again.

Ultimately Jacqueline, you’re a fairly decent, quite possibly good, artist. And unlike most the peasants I’ve reviewed so far, you genuinely sound like you actually care for the music.

And aren’t just doing it for coke and whores.

Well done.

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