Posts Tagged ‘music’

Welcome to NIGHTMARE!

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

Chase Stacks send me a message though the teletron that is

And boy, what a message.

And I thought I had a big ego, let’s see “Im your favorite rapper regardless of what kinda music u like or any other reasons to deny it. lol.. Plus im just an awsome dude.”

How delightful for you Chase, unfortunately for you, I despise rappers and consider them the scum of the Earth, and look forward to the day we finally get to cleanse society for you useless hate-indulging, moronic, incompetent, partly-literate, post-modern poets of shame and utter pillocks.

Still, I am, if nothing else, a deeply honest man, so I’ll listen to your “music”.

You fitly little bard.

“Rep my city” sounds pretty much as every other rap poetry I’ve ever heard. I’m having a few problems actually figuring out what the hell your friends and you are actually singing, but hey.

I heard “Vancouver”, so based on that, I must presume it’s a lengthy ode to Vancouver’s public parks.

“Turn it up” starts with decent techno, then goes into the usual generic rap “beat”. I could hear the word “paper”, so this must a poem about how the modern Paper industry’s burning down the rainforest.

I could be wrong.

“Keep it dropping on them” has a lot of niggers in it. Apparently.

“So Fly” starts like the three before it.

Apparently this one is about the despicable Fox Hunts of Upper Class Great Britain. And apparently they owe him money.

“I’m going to shine” starts the same way the theme to Warcraft II does. Which as a horrible nerd, I find hilarious.

This one is a romantic ballad about how utter miserable he (The Artist) was when his girlfriend OD’ed on drugs or whatever the hell people like you do when you’re not polluting the world with your ego and awful music.

“Walk with me” makes my ears scream out, like a billion voices screamed and where suddenly silenced.

Apparently it’s just a Prayer, not in the Gothic style, more like the “Generic American bullshit” style.

“Private Dancer” starts slightly different, but ends the same. And is the same.

And it’s about him wanting a stripper. How delightful. A return to form.

“Wife girl”starts like a song from The Sims.

I can’t do this, why the hell did you make this crap Chase? Why the hell did you decided to become a rapper? The Sex? The Drugs? The fucking money?

Enjoy sucking the tit of the mediocracy you useless generic piece of biological waste.

“I’ve got to live mine” has a fucking piano! Holy shit! The most advanced rap I’ve heard so far.

Still fucking horrible. Also, apparently in this one he wants money from someone or something or other.

Who the fuck cares?

“Let’s go” is the final song he has graced us with, and Thank the Dark Gods for that.

Listening to it makes me want to murder small nations, like Lichenstein.

Chase, you whore of a Stereotype, I sincerely hope you will have your success, and you will become a big “White rapper”.

And I fucking hope you get caught with cocaine, end up in jail, and get raped by the Fascist fuckers there.

Enjoy your future.

As either a hopelessly generic rapper, regular joe or anal-rape every night mate.

Or perhaps you’ll listen and become something original and interesting.

Ha, fat chance, you probably wont even read this.

You loser.

And to turn off the hatetrain:

Yeah, just chill out.

Never mind the screaming Dane

Saturday, March 14th, 2009


Coritno, why? For the love of all things starting with the letter “b” did you ever contact me and ask for “Some Love”?

Did you honestly think anyone with a limited understanding of music and noise would ever enjoy your shit? If yes, then please, share your secret?

What kinda fucking wonder-drug are you on?

We start with “Hustle Hard”, It starts with the title repeated in the old “Smurfs” style, anyone remember those stupid CDs back in the 1990’s, you know? The ones where the took normal music and remade them with Helium voices.

It starts like that, and then gets worse, it’s not an intro, IT’S THE FUCKING CHORUS! Fortunately, I only have a short sample at my disposal.

And thank Eris for that.

“STACK” is the next evidence the World Court will use when I get in power.

I’ll try to decipher the lyrics, it’s something about someone called “Stack”, presumably a guy working with moving of furniture.

Who likes prostitutes? Fuck if I know. Horrible shit.

“Release” is what I’m thinking about right now, please release me from this shit! It’s about girls dancing and acting like whores.

And him/her/it not having any control, probably because he’s a fucking barbarian.

Do the world a favour Coritino, get a real fucking job!

Double update today.

My nipples imploded with delight.

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

Gabriel Bautista, henceforward referred to as “Convicted by the ICC”, send me a messages through the tubes, about his recent musical endeavours, who due to my sarcastic nature, I presume is absolute shit.

According to his awful Myspace site, his genre is “Hip Hop/R&B/Pop”, which is basically the Auschwitz of music, nothing good ever came from it, and everything that was good, has been killed off ages ago.

He has, of course, left us poor unenlightened peasants some of his “work” to listen to, and by listen, I mean vomit over.

His first attempt is called “Royalty”, which has two things going for it, It’s short, and has no singing, lucky fucking us.

“Body Heat” is the same thing, except it sounds like it was written for the Rap remake of Commander Keen.

The trend continues in “Bounce”, I’m starting to think that these are all just samples for us poor working class peons to marvel at, not sure how that works for him.

Probably not all that well, and by “not all that well”, I mean, I fucking hope nothing is happening concerning his crap.

“Fly with me” is about as original as burnt toast with cheese on it, sounds like something Vangelis would make, if he was HIGH AND BRAINDEAD!

“Gangsta Wave”, oh dear Eris, why? Seriously, who the fuck things the word “Gangsta” is cool anyway? I know it’s just a retarded slang word for “gangster”, but who the fuck are you kidding?

“Few’cha Fresh” beats the standing record of making no sense at all, pretty sure it’s something about how few are fresh, BUT I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO TELL, AS IT’S JUST A FUCKING SAMPLE!

Gabriel, why the fuck am I listening to samples without lyrics? Fuck off back to whatever pit spawned you.

Oisin McCole fucking sucks

Friday, November 7th, 2008

Thank you Oisin McCole for contacting me and requesting a review.

Now that your music is actually available, I present to the greater public, this:

Constantly Curious: You know, I liked Jacqueline Stem because she could: a: Sing and b: play the guitar. To bad you can’t either in this song. Your voice sounds downright horrible.

I’m glad I forgot you name: I’m glad I’m already forgetting your name. Not really sure if you’re actually playing anything in this one, can’t hear anything for the awful howling of your voice.

Cloakroom: mumble mumble mumble, oh sorry, fucking quite, can hardly hear your howling nightmare of a voice.

Hey Jude: NO!

That’s Hey Jude, and you are no Beatles.

Jacqueline Stem.

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

Jacqueline Stem didn’t contact me, I randomly stumbled upon here sailing the High Seas of electrons.

Just before I actually start chucking away about her songs, let me point out that her myspace does NOT require the combined processing power of small African countries, unlike pretty much everyone else I’ve ever reviewed.

Well done.

“Streams of Conciousness” is the first song she’s made available on her myspace, she is as she advertises, her voice, a guitar.

The only real problem I have is that I have absolutely no fucking clue what the hell she’s actually singing, as a European, I often find myself unable to understand some American accents, quite odd.

“Anything but ourselves”, starts out slowly. Unlike the first song, I can understand her quite clearly, odd, but I’m not complaining.

I’m actually enjoying this one much more than it’s predecessor. No clue what she’s singing about though.

“Bury my feet”. The first thing I notice is the weird title of the song. Pretty sure the song’s all about love and what do you care.

Unlike most of the freaks I’ve reviewed, this one can actually sing, the sound quality isn’t the best when she hits some of the higher tones, probably an encoding problem.


Ben Nevis. Only thing this one has is a slightly different intro.

“Rodrigo plays the keys”, shit girl, your titles makes less and less sense as time passes. It’s still fairly decent, unfortunately my preferences is for music with a bit more noise.

“All the dance you do”, starts out like the rest, soft and quite.

“Walking in Circles”

Come on, not that tired all cliché, must be bloody billions of songs with those exact words, try again.

Ultimately Jacqueline, you’re a fairly decent, quite possibly good, artist. And unlike most the peasants I’ve reviewed so far, you genuinely sound like you actually care for the music.

And aren’t just doing it for coke and whores.

Well done.

Which song do you like best on my page?

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

Which song do you like best on my page?

Well Seretha Lichez, seeing as you ask, I’ll tell you.

Wait, Seretha Lichez? What the hell? Where your parents high on acid when they gave you that name? Or is this one of those “we’re minorities, let’s go fucking crazy” things?

I’ll presume the latter, because I live in a fantasy world where all parents are good.

“I Wish”, personally I wish the song would end before it was even conceived. The music is fucking terrible, the chorus is downright painful, it’s just Seretha’s annoying voice going “I wish, I wish, I wish”, bloody terrible.

“Fools in love”, yeah, shit.

Why do you sound like everyone else on the surface of the planet you talentless waste of oxygen. This song is awful.

“So lost”, yeah, you are lost, lost in an imaginary world where actually civilized people likes crap like this. Oh wait, you’re in America, I forgot, oh well, close second I suppose.

“Rhetorical Questions”, wait, you probably don’t even know what “rhetorical” means, or what “question” means for that matter.

Not because you are a black, it’s because you have to be utterly idiotic to enjoy or even make crap like that.

“Push up on me” starts like nothing else Sara or whatever has made. The intro music is excellent, actually the guitar in the background is excellent, to bad that obnouxios beat drowns in out.

And there are those fucking clap sounds too, shit, sucks.

The lyrics is generic “I’m afro-american, fell sorry for me” deal.

“5 minutes” starts like a soft romantic song, to bad Simon’s horrible voice ruins all of it. And hey, it’s the clapping sound again, awesome.

The rest of the music sounds like something stolen from old DOS games, fucking great.

And it doesn’t even last five minutes, would be a rip-off, but it’s free.

Susan, you are fucking horrible.

But to answer your question, the best song you’ve made it the first 10-15 seconds of “Push up on me” just before you start wailing.

How the hell do you “push up” on anyone?

Random moron sends me message on myspace!

Saturday, April 12th, 2008

Alert the media, some random crapturtle has send me yet another useless message of doom and overwhelming dread.

I apologize if I sent you this message already. I just wanted to be sure that I thanked you for adding this page of mine and checking my music, but I’m actually going to be deleting it soon, and before I do, I just wanted to make sure you got to my other main page. I would appreciate if you could add that other page by clicking the link below and checking out my new songs and pictures. Thanks so much, and thank you for taking time to listen to my music.

Points for not spelling like a fucking retard, points to you Nicole.

Oh wait, it’s “Nycole”, so I guess she just lost those points.

Nicole Valentina is, and I quote, ” R&B / Hip Hop / Pop”, which makes the voices in my head go “ARGGHHHHH, KILL ALL HUMANS, KILL THEM ALL”.

Let’s get this train wreck on the rails, first song is: “Sick of you”, there is some useless shoutout too, which actually has the best singing of them all.

Sick of you is a standard Hip-hop song, which means it has an endlessly repeating “beat” in the background, which will slowly drive any sane person UTTERLY FUCKING INSANE! ARAGSADGSDFGSD.

Next fucking song.

“With me featuring Who cares”, is fucking horrible. Why the fuck do people keep sending me this bullshit music, and then get vaguely offended every time I tear into their bland crap?

Horrible, simply awful. Makes me miss Spice Girls.

“Body Talk moving slow” has a utterly useless name, and makes about as much sense as Stanley Kubrick and Moebius’s horrible lovechild.

Wait, that would actually be pretty fucking awesome, oh well, the song still sucks.

“Give it up” has the most fitting name, for I am indeed very tempted to give this fucking shit up.

And then a remix of “Sick of you”, featuring yet another asshole I haven’t fucking heard of.

It still sucks.

So, I guess the Shoutout was the best song, no wonder, it has no music.


Holy fuck, not RAP or RnB or any of that junk.

Monday, April 7th, 2008

Sure, this one didn’t send me any horribly mismatched messages, but when the hell has details ever stopped me?

Never, that’s right, let’s get this show on the road.

Now, Shannon Haley has a couple of songs up for our collective listening pleasure, and for once it isn’t the usual rap or RnB or whatever the fuck the idiots call that garbage.

“Someday Soon” isn’t too bad really, the music itself is reasonably pleasant, not really repetitious in anyway, generally decent. The lyrics are fairly generic romantic ballad, nothing to write about there.

Overall, fairly decent.

“Don’t answer the Phone”, now the music is relaxed and again, fairly pleasant, the lyrics are about love once again, generic again, nothing special there either. I like the chorus though, quite good.

“Go” has a nice short name. Generic romance again, decent music. Waaaaaaaay to generic though, heard stuff like this roughly a billion times.

“Lie to me”, yeah, Shannon falls into one of the rare pitfalls, most of the crap I review just plain sucks, hers doesn’t, it’s just terribly generic.

“Always reminded of you”, shouldn’t that be “Always reminds me of you”? Bah, English, when will those silly Americans start using it?

The music is basically a piano playing in the background, not to bad. The lyrics are fairly generic, but the singer herself really shines in this one, very good, very good indeed.

Didn’t make use of the generic shift from relaxed music into frantic music, sure the shift is there, but unlike most music, it’s very gradual.

Probably the best one so far, but it’s really the music and the singer that carries it, the lyrics themselves are generic.

“This is gonna hurt me” is the last one for this time. Romantic drivel again, music is good, singer is quite good, lyrics are generic.

So yeah, ultimately Shannon has a chance, and if I ever hear her on the radio, I won’t have to sacrifice animals to the Dark Gods and pray for her death.

So everyone really wins today. Also, make more music in the same line as “Always reminded of you”, it’s probably the best one you’ve made.

That’s all for today sweethearts, now fuck off.


Saturday, January 19th, 2008

Got this message from “Young Hustlers Entertainment“:

Yo Wzup I just Stop by to show you some luv and to say I’m Feeling the page Keep doing your thing Homie.N E Way when you get a chance hit up the page and check out the songs Lets us know how you feel about the songs you can leave your feed back on our wall good looking and like I said before keep doing your thing, 100 from ( Y.H.E Young Huslas Entertainment )

Now, to be fair, they are obviously some ridiculously inept Rap band, who doesn’t even deserve attention from your average idiotic gaiaonline member.

They have a surprisingly large number of songs avalabile on their myspace, I presume in my arrogance that it means they haven’t got anything that remotely resembles a record deal.

I hope they haven’t at least, but alas, my hopes are often crushed under the horrible reign of mediocrity of reality.

The first song “Young and Sexy” just plain sucks, if I wanted to listen to a high pitched voice with techno music in the background, I’d disembowel a raver while playing Scooter.

“You know Remix” is more stereotypical than a blue eyed, blond Scandinavian. Mass-produced Rap crap.

“Rev it up”, has the same annoying music as “Young and Sexy”, fortunately there isn’t any high-pitched voice singing some incomprehensible lyrics, instead there is just a standard Rap shitwad singing with the usual voice.

There is some annoying electronic singer in the chorus, babbling some crap I wouldn’t be able to understand even with a dictionary cybernetically inserted in my spinal cord.

“Downtown 2 Uptown” apparently features some other freak. I’m not going to waste anytime on it though, as it’s the same as roughly seventy-five trillion other songs in this genre.

“U like dat” is disqualified from any comments due to policy #72: “Any song whose title contains single letter replacements of proper words is a horrible affront to the very foundations of civilization.”

Last song, thank Eris, is “Streets made me”. Which has the single most annoying crap I’ve ever heard. Listen to it, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Pretty much a standard rap song.

Well, I’m not wasting any more time on this abomination of a band/singer/psudeo-scientifical grouping.

Go ahead and tell me how much you hate me and love defending people who don’t give a fuck about you.


Wednesday, December 26th, 2007

HI. We are band from Tampa, Fl.
We would like you to hear our music, and if you like it, add us as a friend!




Thanks too all, who are showing support, and enjoy our music.
Please feel free to post a bulletin to your friends so they can check out the music as well.

Myspace continues to remain a hurricane of crap and human waste.

So, this band “Early Rising Band” sends me a message, requesting my opinion on matters music, and who am I, to deny such a request.

So, let’s start insulting their obviously shitty and bland music. At this stage of the review I haven’t actually heard any of the music, but hey, you pricks are suppose to persuade me that you are good.

In my world, you start at shit, then work yourself to GLORY AND VICTORY!

First song is “Ride”, which is a terrible name for a song really, not very original.

Starts out with a decent bit of guitar play. Then whoever starts to scream the first few words, I wasn’t aware Glam Rock was still “in”, then again, I haven’t really watched or listened to music in the last few years, so fuck that.

The guitar is pretty good, the singer is pretty bland, and the annoying screaming part of the Chorus isn’t very well executed.

The song suffers from the good old “bland as fucking hell” that most music suffers from these days, some critics would claim that “Early Sunrise Part-mixers” aren’t to blame, I say fuck that shit, grab some originality and stop making songs like “ride”.

Next song, before I suffer a full brain melt; once again, another case of Shit-poor-song-naming Syndrome, with “You can’t stand alone”.

The song starts quietly with a bit of weather background noise and a bit of fairly well executed guitar play. Unfortunately, it’s “Emo” music, under Policy #812: “Emo-music automatically sucks horribly”, I’ll not write anything else about this song.

Next up is “fly with the wind”, which has virtually no intro, which is probably a good thing. Policy #812 with the lyrics, the music itself is bland, but well-executed.

Unfortunately, #812.

“In the land of the living” should be about fighting Zombies and vampires, but it’s just a shitload of more emo crap, about how they have lost sight of their utterly insignificant lives.

Fucking hell, I haven’t actually had to use Policy #812 so many times before.

Early Rising Band, I hate Emo music, because it’s all a bunch of bland whiny shit, so go the fuck away with the crap.

That’s it, now get the fuck off my lawn.